When Feeling Special Is the Problem
How Both Narcissism and Altruism Lead to Anxiety
Periodically, I will share a message and teaching about anxiety. What I share comes from a heart-centered place. Some messages will feel uplifting while other messages will hit closer to home. Read it slowly, with an open and curious heart. If you are interested in breaking old patterns that keep you stuck in anxiety, go to The Truth About Anxiety.
We often see narcissism and altruism as opposites where one is selfish, the other selfless. Narcissism demands attention, admiration, and superiority. Altruism gives, sacrifices, and serves.
But what if both are driven by the same underlying need? What if both are fueled by a desire to feel special, and what if that desire, no matter how it’s expressed, is a trap that leads to anxiety?
At first glance, they seem worlds apart. The narcissist seeks the spotlight; the altruist seems to shy from it. But look deeper and you'll find a shared root: the need to matter, to be important, to prove one’s worth. And when our sense of worth is dependent on feeling special, whether through grandiosity or self-sacrifice, we build our identity on unstable ground.
The Narcissist’s Anxiety: Fear of Falling
Narcissism is often a shield. Beneath the self-aggrandizement and entitlement lies a fragile sense of self that depends on external validation to survive. The narcissist must constantly earn their sense of value through superiority, achievement, or admiration. Any perceived failure, criticism, or loss of status becomes a threat to identity. And anxiety arises in the gap between who they want to be and who they fear they are.
It’s a stressful way to live, always striving, performing, defending. The anxiety isn’t just about being disliked or ignored. It’s about existential erasure: If I’m not special, do I even matter?
The Altruist’s Anxiety: Fear of Failing Others
Altruism seems like the antidote to narcissism, but it can fall into the same trap. While healthy altruism comes from genuine compassion, performative altruism can mask a deep hunger for approval. The person who always puts others first may not be doing so entirely selflessly, they may be trying to earn love, belonging, or identity through self-sacrifice.
The altruist becomes “the helper,” “the giver,” “the good one,” and their worth is tied to being needed or appreciated. The anxiety here is more subtle, but just as real. What happens when people don’t acknowledge their efforts? What happens when they can’t fix someone’s pain? What happens when helping is no longer noticed?
Underneath it all is the same haunting question: If I’m not saving someone, do I still matter?
The Shared Root: The Need to Be Special
Both narcissism and altruism are strategies to feel significant. One says, “I’m special because I’m better.” The other says, “I’m special because I’m good.” In my ebook, The Truth About Anxiety: Getting to the Heart of the Matter for Women, I explore the stories of two women, Annie and Amber, and how their unique experiences reveal the deeper roots of anxiety.
Annie is driven by managing how others feel, while Amber focuses on meeting others’ needs. Though their stories and behaviors differ, both women tie their self-worth to what they do, not who they are. Their value feels earned, not intrinsic, and it’s in this fragile space that anxiety takes hold.
When your identity depends on being exceptional, either as the center of attention or the tireless helper, you’re never safe. You’re always vulnerable to failure, rejection, or simply being overlooked. The world becomes a stage where you must constantly perform to justify your existence.
Ironically, both paths can lead to burnout, resentment, and isolation. The narcissist may be admired but not truly loved. The altruist may be appreciated but not truly known.
The Way Out: Let Go of Special
The antidote is not to swing from one extreme to the other. It’s not to abandon ambition or compassion. It’s to step off the treadmill of performing for your worth.
What if you didn’t have to be special to matter?
What if you let go of being exceptional and chose instead to be real?
What if being ordinary is healthier than being extraordinary?
When we release the need to feel special, we allow ourselves to simply be. We become free to connect, to create, and to care. Rather than earning our identity, we simply express our identity. Not to prove we are worthy but because we recognize that we already are. And so is everyone else.
If you’re inspired by this message, please share with others.
Thank you. The timing for me couldn't have been better.