Unlock the Truth About What Is Holding You Back
And how to overcome it
In my youth, I hated being told what to do (admittedly, I still don’t love it). My strong sense of independence drives me to figure things out on my own. Thinking about it brings to mind the movie, Castaway.
Remember when Tom Hanks finally makes fire? He dances around the flames, singing, “Come on baby, light my fire,” while chanting the unforgettable lines:
YEAH, LOOK WHAT I CREATED!
I HAVE MADE FIRE!
“I” HAVE MADE FIRE! [emphasis on I]
That triumphant feeling is incredible. Who doesn’t love experiencing that?
In fact, asserting independence is a natural part of child development. It typically occurs between ages 1 and 3, when kids are eager to explore, push boundaries, and learn how to navigate the world on their own.
Do these sound familiar?
“I have to do it all myself”
“Asking for help feels wrong and like I’m a burden”
“I can figure it out myself”
“I don’t like to be wrong or to fail”
“If I can’t figure it out, I feel angry at myself”
Unfortunately, in a culture that emphasizes you must “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and “never ask for help,” many of us unknowingly stay stuck in this stage ~ essentially, survival mode.
The hard truth? Most of us are navigating life while emotionally frozen at the developmental stage of a 1- to 3-year-old. Ooof, that’s a tough pill to swallow!
So how do you break free from survival mode? By developing the emotional skills needed to rise into a state of love and belonging.
Let’s consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:
With a “do it yourself” attitude, you remain stuck in safety needs at best. Here are telltale signs (some may feel familiar, while others might surprise you):
You hate asking for help or feel guilty when others do things for you
You push others away when they try to connect in a healthy way
You feel defensive when others try to get too close
You are prone to attracting abusive relationships
You avoid intimate relationships altogether
Another clear sign is constantly struggling to calm your anxiety, yet nothing seems to work. The paradox? You’re still trying to fix yourself, on your own. Even worse, you believe there is something wrong with you. Or you may believe that others are the problem. See the lies?
When you believe these lies, your nervous will never fully resolve itself, no matter how much yoga or breathwork you do.
When you look at the problem differently, the solution is simple
In our independent American culture, we are told, “If you work hard enough, you can have anything you want.” Success means it is entirely on you. But the problem with this belief is that it fosters both narcissism and resentment.
When you believe everything depends on you, a subtle but dangerous message forms in your mind, one that places you above others and assumes they are less capable. You are not a mean person for thinking this, it’s an unconscious thought that naturally takes hold.
By doing it all yourself, however, exhaustion eventually sets in and, deep down, you long for support. However, because you seldom seek help and haven’t fostered the connections needed for healthy support, frustration and resentment build.
Survival mode isn’t inherently bad, in fact, it’s necessary at times. But if you stay there, you’ll struggle to experience genuine, healthy connections with others, even when you're physically present with them. True healing for your nervous system comes through connection. While isolating may feel easier, it’s actually exhausting, which is why your efforts to calm your nervous system often do not last.
Building a community also requires effort, but the benefits you gain from those healthy connections provide a far greater reward
In my early years, I found myself following these same lies. However, determined to do things differently, I made a conscious shift and cultivated an amazing circle of friends.
Recently, we spent 10 days on vacation together in Florida. And here’s the best part. We rented an 11-bedroom home and shared it with 21 people. Yes, you read that right!
To be honest, I was curious (and a little apprehensive) about how it would all play out. Spending an evening out with friends is one thing, but living together for days? That’s a whole different experience. Yet, somehow, it all worked out beautifully.
This experience was more than just a fun getaway. It was a powerful reminder of the importance of community, especially in uncertain times. In light of everything happening in the world today, it reinforced just how vital human connection truly is.
Though our American culture still embraces this fierce commitment to independence, here are five things we can only learn in community:
Community teaches us how to listen to one another
It’s easy to take offense. Someone says or does something that doesn’t sit right with us, and suddenly, we’re upset. But here’s the thing, being offended is a waste of time and drains our energy. When we learn to listen to understand, we become more open-minded and less controlled by our emotions.
Instead of reacting with offense, learn to pause and ask, Why does this person see things this way?
Community teaches us what love really looks like
Feelings are fleeting but love is a choice we make every day. At its core, love demands vulnerability, which is uncomfortable. We are not born with the skill to love selflessly; it takes inner work. Love challenges us to move beyond our ego, to listen more than we speak, and to give even when it’s inconvenient.
Our natural instinct is to protect but choosing to love means embracing the risk to be hurt because the connection is worth it
Community teaches us the Law of Reciprocity
Reciprocity means an exchange of giving and receiving. In business it is transactional but in community, it is transformational. When we contribute to one another, we learn to ask for help and give help. It creates a cycle where generosity multiplies. We can survive without community but we cannot thrive.
When we offer help, it fosters gratitude; when we accept help, it fosters humility
Community teaches us boundaries
Going a step further with reciprocity, community helps us learn to set and reinforce healthy boundaries. In a healthy community, boundaries are not seen as walls that separate us but as guidelines that ensure every person feels valued and respected. Learning to say “no" without guilt, and learning to accept “no” without resentment fosters trust and connection.
Boundaries, when honored, create relationships built on trust, care, and longevity rather than exhaustion and obligation
Community shines a light on our individual gifts
When we come together, it reveals and celebrates our individual gifts. Some excel at organizing, while others bring warmth through cooking, attentiveness through cleaning, or reliability through logistics. No single role is more important than another because each contributes to the whole. This is the beauty of community, when everyone plays a part, no one carries the full burden.
In a space where each person gives what they can, exhaustion is replaced with harmony, and responsibility is shared rather than shouldered alone
It’s easy to feel safe and vulnerable when you are in the right community, which leaves me with the best thing our vacation reminded me of:
I have an amazing group of friends!
Find your tribe, ask for help, let others lead for a change ~ it is the most healing thing you will ever do.
If you love your community, share below and tell us about it. Let’s pass on the love!