Mansplaining Is Not Exclusive to Men
And it's just as infuriating
Have you ever felt like screaming in the middle of an argument but held back?
Have you ever felt like pulling your hair out because you were being silenced?
Have you ever wanted to cry your eyes out to feel heard?
I recently experienced a whirlwind of these exact emotions while trying to resolve a major misunderstanding with a colleague. To provide context, I became aware that Crystal [name changed] was upset with me over something that happened a few months ago but I was completely unaware. Wanting to clear things up, I reached out and we arranged a time to talk.
The moment we got on the call, she launched straight into sharing her thoughts. With a mix of high energy and emotion, I stayed quiet. She needed the space to express her feelings and that was fine. I remained calm and listened, secretly knowing that I would have to fight for room to feel heard.
It’s both difficult and draining. In the past, I often let things slide because, truthfully, it is too exhausting. But then there are moments, like this one, when being heard is necessary.
A few times during the conversation, I managed to find openings to share my perspective but it did not go well. To maintain control, Crystal would interrupt me or correct me. When those didn’t work, she would shift the focus entirely or would stonewall me.
These are all classic manipulative tactics.
In time, I realized that Crystal already made up her mind about the situation and considered everything resolved. In her view, her version of events is the truth, leaving no room for my input.
The problem is, I was not resolved. There were parts of her version that I disagreed with, along with false assumptions she made about my motivations. Yet, from the moment she began speaking, she dominated the conversation and controlled the narrative.
This is the essence of mansplaining, crafting a version of events that makes sense to them and then insisting others accept it as the truth, regardless of differing perspectives.
When this happens, the mansplainer walks away feeling vindicated, heard, and satisfied while the other person is left feeling dumped on, silenced, and dismissed ~ everything I felt by the end of our conversation.
Mansplaining is a form of emotional rape. This might sound harsh but that is the intent.
Imagine this: someone walks into your room, takes your clothes off, uses your body for their own needs, and then walks away feeling satisfied. Every effort you make to say NO or to stop is interrupted, controlled, or dismissed. You have no say in the exchange. See the connection?
Mansplainers adopt a parental tone that instantly places others in a subordinate position. They present a one-sided version of events and expect silent compliance. If that doesn’t work, they resort to manipulative tactics like interrupting, controlling, dominating, and minimizing. If that still fails, they escalate to smear campaigns.
The ultimate goal is to maintain authority by garnering complete acceptance of their narrative, no questions asked. In fact, this pattern is evident in certain elected government officials.
It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s painful.
Fortunately, in my case, Crystal and I do not work closely together, so our interactions are minimal. However, the challenge remains that when we do interact, I make every effort to keep things civil.
We all face challenges in our relationships throughout life. When we do, sometimes the goal becomes less about improving the situation and more about simply minimizing the negative effect.
In this case, you realize that the problem is not the misunderstanding itself but rather the tactics used to solve it. By minimizing the negative effect, you are following the first rule in my 123 Freedom Formula, Let Nothing Steal Your Peace. That’s empowering!
If you know someone who needs to read this, please be sure to share.
DISCLAIMER: Stories are inspired by actual events from my personal or professional life. Names and certain details have been changed to protect privacy.